Well, here it is day 3 and really I am at a loss for words. Thousands of thoughts running through my head but nothing is ready to come out. My strength is beginning to grow however and that is helping, but the thought of not being able to pick up the phone and say hello to mom still haunts me. Yesterday was one of the longest days I have had in my entire life. Not time wise, but it seemed to last for an eternity.
I went to the bank that my Mom worked at and gathered her things from her office. Luckily I had thought far enough in advance to ask someone to box up her things. As I crossed the threshold of the door to her office, I realized that was not a task that I would have been able to complete myself. It was difficult enough making the 3 trips in and out of her office back and forth from my car. That wasn't the worst part of my visist though. The thing that I dreaded the most upon my arrival, I did first. I went to her safe deposit box in the basement of the bank. I knew how difficult it was going to be when I had to sign the signature card to enter and her signature was the last on there and only about 2 weeks prior to me being there. Why did I dread it so? I knew what was going to be waiting for me there. Yet another note. I sifted through all the legal documents, Grandpa's army discharge papers, marriage certificates, family rings and necklaces, anything that held any significance was there. As I began to find the policies I had been instructed to find......there it was.......the note.....tucked neatly inside the opening of one of the policies. It started out "Dear Son," I broke down......I knew that note was going to be there. I knew it. The note had been written so long ago, that she had scratched out some places to look for certain things and replaced them with current locations. When she began working at Third National roughly 5 years ago, she switched all of her addresses, moved her lock box to her bank among other things. Those were among some of the things that were scratched out. It is just unbelievable that I am looking at this note and thinking to myself how long ago she wrote this out. How she had things planned so far in advance, I guess the only thing I really inherited from her was her stubborness. As I see how organized she was, and knew she was; I can just see her shaking her head at me right now. I have papers, pictures, kleenex, plants strung from my living room, through the dining room and into the kitchen. If she were here right now, she would be cleaning from me and telling me how I need to get myself organized.
So after spending 2 or 3 hours at the bank, I set off for the funeral home. It wasn't much more than a year ago that I was at this same location for my Grandfather's funeral. I thought that was the toughest day of my life. Little did I know this week would come so quickly. Originally I had planned on taking care of everything myself. That is what mom would have wanted. She knew I would do right by her and would want it no other way. My uncle wanted to come along and I am glad he did. He was able to help me. I had never planned a funeral before and had no clue everything that was about to be thrown at me. He was the one who helped Mom plan Grandpa's funeral. He allowed me to take the lead and do everything, but if I asked his opinion he would give it......I wouldn't have been able to be so direct had he not been there.....I am grateful for that. After spending about 3 hours at the funeral home, I left feeling like the torch had been passed to me. Like I was the one for family members to turn to however small that family may be now.
I had just graduated into taking on all of the burdens that my mom had dealt with for so many years. My day had been very difficult, dotting I's and crossing T's, but as I left that funeral home a sudden calmness had come over me. I realized that this had been my Mother's life for so long. I knew it had. I would have discussions with her about every other day about how Grandma was doing or how Grandpa was doing when he was still with us but her first question was always "How are you doing Son? How is that little Grandbaby of mine? Close friends know how difficult of a time I have had over the last year or so, and how I still go through periods of sadness with my own personal situations, and have moods where I don't want to be bothered or I am too tired. But after yesterday I realize that my Mother's life was filled with all of these things on a daily basis. If she has been able to do this for the last 10 to 15 years of her life, I can surely find the strength and courage to do this one somewhat simple task that lasts for a week......she would probably be upset with me for taking so much time to devote to her and would rather me focus on my life. I guess what she didn't realize is that her life just became mine. I am not in any way complaining about that though. The best way to honor her memory is to continue the things she has in motion.
Well, this entry has taken me well over 2 hours to write, so I am going to close it out for now. I have had numerous calls that keep pulling me away, and God bless my best friend in the whole world for calling me as much as my Mom would have over the last couple of days. He has truly helped me through all of this and though it never is really spoken how much we mean to each other, we have that understanding between us that through thick and thin we are there for one another. He has made me laugh and let me cry over these last couple days....something I have never really done in front of him before. Stupid but true. All of it is greatly appreciated.
I have numerous stories that I will share in time of the experiences I have had over the last couple of days here on this blog. Most of them that make me laugh and help me keep my strength. Don't think I have lost my sense of humor in all of this. I haven't. It is still there and will show once I start to share the stories. Again, I can't thank you all enough for every sweet sentiment. Some of you whom I haven't really even spoke with in greater than 15 years. It truly means a lot and I am humbled so many would reach out to me. I am looking forward to my next entry as it helps me so much, and I will see everyone soon. God bless all of you.
Sean
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Day 2.......
Well, I guess it feels like more of a continuation of yesterday. I woke very somberly....at 7:30 after about 3 1/2 hours of sleep and forced myself back to sleep.....I was woken again just before 9 by the sounds of the tree trimmers I had hired last week to do some work for me. It was something I have been working on and trying to coordinate for more than a month and had completely forgotten about amongst the confusion that came with yesterday. I guess it wasn't such a good idea to stay up so late last night. I almost want to say it was my Mom's way of saying "get your butt out of bed Son, you have things to accomplish today!" Thanks for the wake up call Mom, and you are right. I do have a lot to accomplish today. It is going to be very difficult to walk into that bank today and clean out her desk, which I hope has been done already but I am not sure. I am prepared to do it though. If the roles were reversed, I know she would do the same for me with tremendous poise. I am going to channel that role today.
The shaking that I experienced yesterday has pretty much left, and I have a little more composure than I did yesterday at this time. Doesn't make it any easier yet though....I know it will take time, but that doesn't take away the pain. I know a lot of you who may be reading this have went through this same thing and I can appreciate the strength and courage it took to get through it. I also appreciate the overwhelming regards I have received this morning. I obviously can't thank everyone individually at this time, but just know that everyone's words have comforted me a great deal. For now, I need to start bringing myself together and heading to Sedalia. Thank you all so much again.
The shaking that I experienced yesterday has pretty much left, and I have a little more composure than I did yesterday at this time. Doesn't make it any easier yet though....I know it will take time, but that doesn't take away the pain. I know a lot of you who may be reading this have went through this same thing and I can appreciate the strength and courage it took to get through it. I also appreciate the overwhelming regards I have received this morning. I obviously can't thank everyone individually at this time, but just know that everyone's words have comforted me a great deal. For now, I need to start bringing myself together and heading to Sedalia. Thank you all so much again.
The last day of the last 18 months.....
As I sit here in the middle of the contents of my Mother's purse, I wonder where I go from here. I have laughed, I have cried, and quite frankly have spaced out about half of the day. It has truly been like an out of body experience. Anyone who knows me closely knows what I have been going through the past 18 months. In a failed attempt at not sounding too cliche, it has been a roller coaster to say the absolute least. There have been high points, and very very low points. None lower than what I am experiencing right now. The morning began as it had begun for the last couple of months worth of Mondays, Brody waking up next to me and making me laugh as usual. The mood would change no more than 10 minutes later. There were 3 voicemails from 2 different relatives all with the same message....call me as soon as you get this. As I made the phone call, I thought to myself "Great, Mom has been in a wreck. I wonder what hospital she is in." I was not prepared for the words that came out of my Uncle's mouth when he answered the phone "Sean, I don't know how to tell you this...." I can't really remember many of the words past that.
For AT LEAST the last 10 years, there wasn't a week, maybe a month that went by with my Mom saying "If anything were to ever happen to me...." to which I always said "Yes Mom, I know." It wasn't until this evening when I began to think clear exactly what she had instructed me to do if the inevitable were to happen. As I began to recall those things, I instantly remembered a note she had written a little over a year and a half ago. It was an instruction sheet what to do. As I returned home this evening around 11:30 from a long day of preparation, I stood motionless in the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator and grabbed a beer and toasted Mom and said "Okay Mom, where did I put it?" If only I had been a fraction as organized as she had been, the task wouldn't have seemed so impossible. After about 20 minutes of digging and talking to myself and out loud to Mom, I finally realized where I had left the note. I saw the note, had a little chuckle and realized this was just her final way of taking care of her son. It began "Lock Box #......" It was bittersweet.....typical Mom. Always planning what I thought was too far in the future. If I could trade this simple piece of paper for her to be here right now, I absolutely without a doubt would. Not because its contents are difficult, it is just the expense that the contents are too great a price in my opinion. She would say otherwise I am sure.
What was I going to do? The first thing I thought to do was to call my mom.....the one person who I could always turn to when I had a crisis or needed a voice of reason. the only problem is I knew there would be no answer on the other end. My mom was the most worrisome person in the world. Tough as nails, but worrisome for those she held close. If I had spoken with her the day I just happened to be meeting a friend that night for drinks, she would act like it was my first outing....."Please be careful" she would always say. I would always reply with a "Mom, I think I will be fine. I am 34 years old and have done this a time or two...." or something to that effect. Sometimes it got annoying that she would worry like that.....now, I wish I had that voice telling me not to drive back from Marshall at 11:30 at night because it was too dark. But I don't. The last conversation I had with her was at 11:48 a.m. on March 20th. It lasted for 9 minutes. If I had known it would be the last time I would have talked to my Mother, I would have dragged out the conversation just a little longer, maybe let her tell me a couple of more times to be careful.
This is just an avenue for me to vent. If any of my friends read this, please consider this my apology if I seem distant for the next few days. Please accept my gratitude for those who have already and will reach out to me. As I have made public my gratitude already, I just want to reiterate that it is very very much appreciated. Whether I continue this blog or not I do not know. I just needed to do something as I sit here wide awake at 3:00 in the morning contemplating the days that lie ahead for me. It is nothing I can't get through as I know she is giving me strength.
So Mom, this is for you. You are loved, deeply missed, and please say hello to Grandpa for me. I know he is there proudly showing you the ropes already. There are no longer any reasons for you to worry, and I love you both dearly.
Your loving son,
Sean
For AT LEAST the last 10 years, there wasn't a week, maybe a month that went by with my Mom saying "If anything were to ever happen to me...." to which I always said "Yes Mom, I know." It wasn't until this evening when I began to think clear exactly what she had instructed me to do if the inevitable were to happen. As I began to recall those things, I instantly remembered a note she had written a little over a year and a half ago. It was an instruction sheet what to do. As I returned home this evening around 11:30 from a long day of preparation, I stood motionless in the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator and grabbed a beer and toasted Mom and said "Okay Mom, where did I put it?" If only I had been a fraction as organized as she had been, the task wouldn't have seemed so impossible. After about 20 minutes of digging and talking to myself and out loud to Mom, I finally realized where I had left the note. I saw the note, had a little chuckle and realized this was just her final way of taking care of her son. It began "Lock Box #......" It was bittersweet.....typical Mom. Always planning what I thought was too far in the future. If I could trade this simple piece of paper for her to be here right now, I absolutely without a doubt would. Not because its contents are difficult, it is just the expense that the contents are too great a price in my opinion. She would say otherwise I am sure.
What was I going to do? The first thing I thought to do was to call my mom.....the one person who I could always turn to when I had a crisis or needed a voice of reason. the only problem is I knew there would be no answer on the other end. My mom was the most worrisome person in the world. Tough as nails, but worrisome for those she held close. If I had spoken with her the day I just happened to be meeting a friend that night for drinks, she would act like it was my first outing....."Please be careful" she would always say. I would always reply with a "Mom, I think I will be fine. I am 34 years old and have done this a time or two...." or something to that effect. Sometimes it got annoying that she would worry like that.....now, I wish I had that voice telling me not to drive back from Marshall at 11:30 at night because it was too dark. But I don't. The last conversation I had with her was at 11:48 a.m. on March 20th. It lasted for 9 minutes. If I had known it would be the last time I would have talked to my Mother, I would have dragged out the conversation just a little longer, maybe let her tell me a couple of more times to be careful.
This is just an avenue for me to vent. If any of my friends read this, please consider this my apology if I seem distant for the next few days. Please accept my gratitude for those who have already and will reach out to me. As I have made public my gratitude already, I just want to reiterate that it is very very much appreciated. Whether I continue this blog or not I do not know. I just needed to do something as I sit here wide awake at 3:00 in the morning contemplating the days that lie ahead for me. It is nothing I can't get through as I know she is giving me strength.
So Mom, this is for you. You are loved, deeply missed, and please say hello to Grandpa for me. I know he is there proudly showing you the ropes already. There are no longer any reasons for you to worry, and I love you both dearly.
Your loving son,
Sean
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