The last day of the last 18 months.....

As I sit here in the middle of the contents of my Mother's purse, I wonder where I go from here. I have laughed, I have cried, and quite frankly have spaced out about half of the day. It has truly been like an out of body experience. Anyone who knows me closely knows what I have been going through the past 18 months. In a failed attempt at not sounding too cliche, it has been a roller coaster to say the absolute least. There have been high points, and very very low points. None lower than what I am experiencing right now. The morning began as it had begun for the last couple of months worth of Mondays, Brody waking up next to me and making me laugh as usual. The mood would change no more than 10 minutes later. There were 3 voicemails from 2 different relatives all with the same message....call me as soon as you get this. As I made the phone call, I thought to myself "Great, Mom has been in a wreck. I wonder what hospital she is in." I was not prepared for the words that came out of my Uncle's mouth when he answered the phone "Sean, I don't know how to tell you this...." I can't really remember many of the words past that.

For AT LEAST the last 10 years, there wasn't a week, maybe a month that went by with my Mom saying "If anything were to ever happen to me...." to which I always said "Yes Mom, I know." It wasn't until this evening when I began to think clear exactly what she had instructed me to do if the inevitable were to happen. As I began to recall those things, I instantly remembered a note she had written a little over a year and a half ago. It was an instruction sheet what to do. As I returned home this evening around 11:30 from a long day of preparation, I stood motionless in the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator and grabbed a beer and toasted Mom and said "Okay Mom, where did I put it?" If only I had been a fraction as organized as she had been, the task wouldn't have seemed so impossible. After about 20 minutes of digging and talking to myself and out loud to Mom, I finally realized where I had left the note. I saw the note, had a little chuckle and realized this was just her final way of taking care of her son. It began "Lock Box #......" It was bittersweet.....typical Mom. Always planning what I thought was too far in the future. If I could trade this simple piece of paper for her to be here right now, I absolutely without a doubt would. Not because its contents are difficult, it is just the expense that the contents are too great a price in my opinion. She would say otherwise I am sure.

What was I going to do? The first thing I thought to do was to call my mom.....the one person who I could always turn to when I had a crisis or needed a voice of reason. the only problem is I knew there would be no answer on the other end. My mom was the most worrisome person in the world. Tough as nails, but worrisome for those she held close. If I had spoken with her the day I just happened to be meeting a friend that night for drinks, she would act like it was my first outing....."Please be careful" she would always say. I would always reply with a "Mom, I think I will be fine. I am 34 years old and have done this a time or two...." or something to that effect. Sometimes it got annoying that she would worry like that.....now, I wish I had that voice telling me not to drive back from Marshall at 11:30 at night because it was too dark. But I don't. The last conversation I had with her was at 11:48 a.m. on March 20th. It lasted for 9 minutes. If I had known it would be the last time I would have talked to my Mother, I would have dragged out the conversation just a little longer, maybe let her tell me a couple of more times to be careful.

This is just an avenue for me to vent. If any of my friends read this, please consider this my apology if I seem distant for the next few days. Please accept my gratitude for those who have already and will reach out to me. As I have made public my gratitude already, I just want to reiterate that it is very very much appreciated. Whether I continue this blog or not I do not know. I just needed to do something as I sit here wide awake at 3:00 in the morning contemplating the days that lie ahead for me. It is nothing I can't get through as I know she is giving me strength.

So Mom, this is for you. You are loved, deeply missed, and please say hello to Grandpa for me. I know he is there proudly showing you the ropes already. There are no longer any reasons for you to worry, and I love you both dearly.

Your loving son,

Sean