Day 3.....

Well, here it is day 3 and really I am at a loss for words. Thousands of thoughts running through my head but nothing is ready to come out. My strength is beginning to grow however and that is helping, but the thought of not being able to pick up the phone and say hello to mom still haunts me. Yesterday was one of the longest days I have had in my entire life. Not time wise, but it seemed to last for an eternity.

I went to the bank that my Mom worked at and gathered her things from her office. Luckily I had thought far enough in advance to ask someone to box up her things. As I crossed the threshold of the door to her office, I realized that was not a task that I would have been able to complete myself. It was difficult enough making the 3 trips in and out of her office back and forth from my car. That wasn't the worst part of my visist though. The thing that I dreaded the most upon my arrival, I did first. I went to her safe deposit box in the basement of the bank. I knew how difficult it was going to be when I had to sign the signature card to enter and her signature was the last on there and only about 2 weeks prior to me being there. Why did I dread it so? I knew what was going to be waiting for me there. Yet another note. I sifted through all the legal documents, Grandpa's army discharge papers, marriage certificates, family rings and necklaces, anything that held any significance was there. As I began to find the policies I had been instructed to find......there it was.......the note.....tucked neatly inside the opening of one of the policies. It started out "Dear Son," I broke down......I knew that note was going to be there. I knew it. The note had been written so long ago, that she had scratched out some places to look for certain things and replaced them with current locations. When she began working at Third National roughly 5 years ago, she switched all of her addresses, moved her lock box to her bank among other things. Those were among some of the things that were scratched out. It is just unbelievable that I am looking at this note and thinking to myself how long ago she wrote this out. How she had things planned so far in advance, I guess the only thing I really inherited from her was her stubborness. As I see how organized she was, and knew she was; I can just see her shaking her head at me right now. I have papers, pictures, kleenex, plants strung from my living room, through the dining room and into the kitchen. If she were here right now, she would be cleaning from me and telling me how I need to get myself organized.

So after spending 2 or 3 hours at the bank, I set off for the funeral home. It wasn't much more than a year ago that I was at this same location for my Grandfather's funeral. I thought that was the toughest day of my life. Little did I know this week would come so quickly. Originally I had planned on taking care of everything myself. That is what mom would have wanted. She knew I would do right by her and would want it no other way. My uncle wanted to come along and I am glad he did. He was able to help me. I had never planned a funeral before and had no clue everything that was about to be thrown at me. He was the one who helped Mom plan Grandpa's funeral. He allowed me to take the lead and do everything, but if I asked his opinion he would give it......I wouldn't have been able to be so direct had he not been there.....I am grateful for that. After spending about 3 hours at the funeral home, I left feeling like the torch had been passed to me. Like I was the one for family members to turn to however small that family may be now.

I had just graduated into taking on all of the burdens that my mom had dealt with for so many years. My day had been very difficult, dotting I's and crossing T's, but as I left that funeral home a sudden calmness had come over me. I realized that this had been my Mother's life for so long. I knew it had. I would have discussions with her about every other day about how Grandma was doing or how Grandpa was doing when he was still with us but her first question was always "How are you doing Son? How is that little Grandbaby of mine? Close friends know how difficult of a time I have had over the last year or so, and how I still go through periods of sadness with my own personal situations, and have moods where I don't want to be bothered or I am too tired. But after yesterday I realize that my Mother's life was filled with all of these things on a daily basis. If she has been able to do this for the last 10 to 15 years of her life, I can surely find the strength and courage to do this one somewhat simple task that lasts for a week......she would probably be upset with me for taking so much time to devote to her and would rather me focus on my life. I guess what she didn't realize is that her life just became mine. I am not in any way complaining about that though. The best way to honor her memory is to continue the things she has in motion.

Well, this entry has taken me well over 2 hours to write, so I am going to close it out for now. I have had numerous calls that keep pulling me away, and God bless my best friend in the whole world for calling me as much as my Mom would have over the last couple of days. He has truly helped me through all of this and though it never is really spoken how much we mean to each other, we have that understanding between us that through thick and thin we are there for one another. He has made me laugh and let me cry over these last couple days....something I have never really done in front of him before. Stupid but true. All of it is greatly appreciated.

I have numerous stories that I will share in time of the experiences I have had over the last couple of days here on this blog. Most of them that make me laugh and help me keep my strength. Don't think I have lost my sense of humor in all of this. I haven't. It is still there and will show once I start to share the stories. Again, I can't thank you all enough for every sweet sentiment. Some of you whom I haven't really even spoke with in greater than 15 years. It truly means a lot and I am humbled so many would reach out to me. I am looking forward to my next entry as it helps me so much, and I will see everyone soon. God bless all of you.

Sean